Pope Benedict: Freedom in Bondage!

Ruining a good time is in the Pope’s job description. So, it comes as no surprise that he has taken to wagging his nose-picker at Parliament, urging the rejection of the Equality Bill.

Who doesn’t want a gay priest? The self-loathing alone would ensure a constant state of solemnity. Shorter homilies, more attractive deacons, fabulous decorations at Christmas–but I digress. CNN reports the Pope saying this little doozy: “Fidelity to the Gospel in no way restricts the freedom of others — on the contrary, it serves their freedom by offering them the truth.”

Hurk.

If there’s a particular reason why I find this sentiment so revolting, it must be the sheer arrogance dripping from every syllable. Or the transparency of the paradox: be free by submitting to an omniscient totalitarian!

In the Pope’s defense, everyone in this world is chained to something: laws, norms, debts, bulimia, Eva Green–but it is only the religious who monopolize the dead.

Ignoring for a second the Mormons who parcel out posthumous baptisms, revisit the quote again. The “truth” he refers to feels innocuous enough (Jesus Christ is your Lord and Savior), but the implications of this decree run deeper than politics. Crack open one of the Gospels–there’s a lot more to it than rabid Jesus fangirlisms.

To return to the issue at hand–the employment of homosexuals (or lack thereof) in religious organizations–I generally fall somewhere between “Why would a sane gay person want to work for an institution that fears and hates him?” and “It’s their silly club, let them have their disavowed circle jerks while the rest of the world laughs and shuts them away into obscurity.”

But the Pope has a lot more pressing issues at hand to confront. In light of recent criticisms as to their relevancy and (more than slight) hypocrisy, the Vatican Catholics are hard at work downplaying their uncounted millions. The Vatican PR Team released this official response to Sarah Silverman’s “Sell the Vatican, Feed the World” video (a rather self-explanatory modest proposal):

Religious people hoarding shitpiles of money? The Jews should talk.

–Some Vatican Douche.